Our First Date

January 1st, 2012:

I saw your profile, was intrigued, and thought that you would never be interested in me- so I passed you by.  No message, no smile, no wink- nothing.  Hours later, I was surprised to find that you’d messaged me.  I was flattered, and a little suspicious.

We messaged, we texted, we talked for two weeks.  So much in common, such a shared perspective, a common goal.  It was easy opening up to you.  And I hoped.  One of us asked to meet, but I can’t remember who it was that put it out there; I think it may have been me.

Friday, January 13, 2012:

I remembering thinking that the date might not be the most auspicious time to meet, but I was heading to my sister’s for the weekend and didn’t want to wait any longer.  We met at a wine bar close to where you worked and kinda on my way to my sisters.  I was a little early, as I am often am, you were a little late, you you often were.  I don’t recall being nervous- perhaps anxious, excited to meet you in person.  I sat there guessing what it would be like and how it would go.  Would we shake hands upon meeting, would it feel like a date or just meeting a friend after years apart?

I was wearing the black pull-over that everyone told me made me look good, my favorite blue jeans, and my brown leather boots.  I’d taken care to make sure my hair was in order, my breath fresh, and my outlook upbeat.  I sat at a two-top, facing the door, wondering if you would look like your profile pictures, drinking my ice water.

When you walked in, I smiled.  You wore that checkered dress shirt that made you look smart and lean; I loved that shirt.  And there was something in the air between us and I just knew.  Maybe it was the way you smiled.  Or the warmth when you approached.  It felt like we had known each other for a long time and that we were just catching up.  The discovery of things once known long ago but seemingly new.  We were electric.

Four hours later, I had to pull myself away.  I had an hour drive still and while I wanted to stay and continue, I had to leave.  The conversation had been so easy, the flirting so natural, the mutual interest so readily apparent.  We parted with a promise of a second date, and I didn’t question if it would happen, just a matter of when.  And I missed you, when I left.  Things seemed less bright without you around.

On my drive, I called my sister- despite the fact that I was heading to her house -and told her that I’d just had the perfect date.  And even then, I knew that I would love you and that you would love me.  I knew that I would call you the next day and make sure that the second date got schedule…and it did.

I hold on to the feeling that I had that night.  The sense of promise, the potential between us, the brightness of two people searching for love and acceptance.

 

-01/21/2017

would that i could breathe a little life

into that unbreathing chest

and get that heart beating again

that face smiling

those hands talking in the air between us;

bring you back to me

so that we could talk once more

and share those secrets that only we can hold.

 

would that i could hold the sound of your voice

saying my name and feel the comfort of your arm around me

as i find a way to move forward as one, instead of two.

– 01.21.2017

Catching Up

Always half a year ahead

I never thought I would catch

Up, let alone pass you by.

But, today, we are equal.

You, frozen and eternal

Me, hot and living for now.

 

  • 01/21/17

Watery Reality

Have you ever felt 

like tears are running down

inside

your body because 

they cannot find purchase 

on the outside. 

That the world 

is a watery version 

of reality 

when you look around. 

08.09.16

In The Deepness

My thoughts are cloudy, my words choked

By the thickness of what we had

Conflicting with my memory

Of what I wanted us to be.

 

And all that rises to the top

Is the certainty that I loved

You, more than anyone before,

& that this still wasn’t enough.

 

I chose to leave before you did,

Knowing that you were looking elsewhere;

To save myself from what would come:

the pain of being left behind.

 

But here I find myself: buried

Beneath the weight of my choices,

Caught in the deepness of my love

Wondering if I will survive.

– 1.2.2016

20 years &

this beat brings me back

starts me humming

& makes me remember

when I was younger

wondering if I would ever find myself

would i come closer to an answer

that would secure a bit of haven

I screamed myself to sleep then

wearied, wounded, but ready

for what my dreams would bring

but time has been a balm

& has soothed my restlessness

20 years &

I see what has changed

Revised 07.18.13
.–.

20 years &

a song starts me humming,

a beat brings back memories

& I remember wondering

when I was younger

if I would ever find myself.

I sing myself to sleep,

worried, wounded, but ready

for what tomorrow might bring;

hoping it might be a balm

to soothe my restlessness.

20 years &; I ask

have i changed?

-Revised 07.05.13

.–.

20 years &

this song starts me humming,

the beat bringing memories

of when I was younger & wondered

if I would ever find myself closer

to the answers or some slice of solace.

Tonight, I give myself to sleep

a not-much-wiser man wearied, but ready,

for the clues my dreams might bring;

hoping that time might bring a balm

to soothe my restlessness.

– Revised April 16, 2011

.–.

20 years &

A song starts me humming,

the beat brings me memories

& I wonder when I was younger

if I would ever find myself

closer to an answer, some solace

that would secure a bit of haven.

I scream myself to sleep,

wearied, wounded, & ready

for what my dreams might bring;

hoping this time it might be a balm

to soothe this restlessness.

20 years & I ask

what has changed?

– January 29, 2011

.–.

this is my barbaric yalp

that i voice

in the unanswering darkness

though my throat

hoarse and raw

quivers in an impotent

attempt

to find an answer

it is my stake

that claims this place

as being solely mine

despite longing

for a mate

to match me.

– Revised 07.12.13

 

My Barbaric Yalp

i cry out to the unanswering darkness

my throat hoarse raw quivering

in an impotent attempt of understanding.

8.28.10